


the constancy (of inconsistency)

by Smudge



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: F/M, THIS IS SATIRE, based on riverdale's nonsense, i wrote it y'all, in other words, in which i find motivation behind the reasons for the things that never make sense, let's roast our dumpster fire, reposted from anonymous, since it's ours am i right?, so i been knew about it, so yelling that's already been posted will make me roll my eyes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 07:25:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17956160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smudge/pseuds/Smudge
Summary: It is a truth universally acknowledged that a group of teenagers within earshot of an argument will stop to listen.





	the constancy (of inconsistency)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just throwing up this satire I did Anonymously from another account on here so I can keep all my Riverdale stuff in one spot. 
> 
> Also, satire. 
> 
> Seriously. Satire. These are the jokes, people. But, you guys know what to expect from me by now, so, we're good. Read on if you haven't. Read again if you want!

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a group of teenagers within earshot of an argument will stop to listen. Which brings us to the current scene of a group of six, observing two of their own lost in their own world.

 

_“Betty, no, I don’t want to run for student council with anyone else,” Jughead feverently whispers to her trying to avoid being overheard._

_“I’m just saying, Jug, that you need the Southside support and if I’m running with you, that’s probably not going to happen. I’d rather you win,” Betty tells him with a pained look on her face._

 

“I don’t know why they’re arguing, it’s not like they’re going to win anyhow right, Archiekins?” Veronica says with a nudge to Archie’s arm.

“What?” Archie mumbles, looking up from his phone. “Wait, why wouldn’t the Serpents vote for Betty and Jughead?”

“Are you serious?” Sweet Pea scoffs.

“Yeah, Betty has gone out of her way to help both Jughead and the Southside more than once. None of that matters because she lives on the Northside?” Archie states, looking at him with the hint of derision that never quite goes away.

“She only did that to help her boyfriend, she doesn’t care about the rest of us,” Sweet Pea says with an eye roll.

“And?” Veronica questions,”It’s not like you would be any different, she’s doing her best for the people she cares about. That’s not a bad quality to have in a friend or an ally. Also, don’t talk shit about my Betty, I’d hate to have to harm that pretty face.”

“Oh, don’t forget the Serpent slut, pigs blood thing after that article saying Jughead’s dad was innocent,” Kevin interjects.

“What?” Both Toni and Sweet Pea say looking bewildered.

“You haven’t seen that video? Do you people not understand the importance of my instagram? Look it up, hashtag  _wtfomgmypoorbetty_  no spaces,” Kevin tells them.

“You know, Cheryl, now that we know your propensity for pig parts I suddenly wonder who did that to my girl,” Veronica says, arching an eyebrow at Cheryl. “It’s not like you’re known for being nice to her.”

“That’s fair,” Cheryl says with a slight shrug of her shoulders. “But let’s not forget she did blackmail me once.”

“Wait, what?” Toni huffs out, with a look at her girlfriend.

“Don’t be a martyr, Cheryl Bombshell, you were impressed,” Kevin tells her. “Besides, even so, you’ve been terrible to both Betty and Jughead in the past. And present. And future, probably.”

“Why would she blackmail you?” Toni asks while looking disturbed and confused.

“To get FP out of jail,” Veronica says before Cheryl can get a word out.

With no one knowing quite what to say about that, they continue to listen to the argument going on in the background.

 

_“Maybe if they got to know you better?” Jughead suggests._

_“Sure, and while we’re at it, I can debase myself in lingerie in front of everyone on a stage. Oh, wait, I already did that. No, I know, I can bake cookies and have them stare at me with judgment while making passive aggressive comments about my hair. Or family. Or basically my whole existence,” Betty says with a scoff._

_“Passive aggressive?” Jughead asks with confusion clear on his face._

_“Yeah, Jug, passive aggression. Maybe you’ve met my mother, Alice Cooper? I know it when I hear it, okay?” Betty tells him._

_“For the record, I understand where you’re coming from and please don’t judge me for asking this but what did you do with that lingerie from my dad’s party?” Jughead asks her, trying to look less interested than he obviously is._

_“Seriously, Jug?”_

_“I said don’t judge me!” he implores to her unamused face._ _"_   _I’m only asking because it was definitely not what you wore at Veronica’s cabin.”_

 

“Nice,” Sweet Pea whispers to himself.

“Oh god, I had to hear it and now I’m picturing it,” Archie says with a groan. “That’s not what I want to think about my best friends doing at all.”

“Well, at least they sounded like they were having a good time,” Veronica tells him while patting his shoulder in consolation. “Although I am still waiting for the thank you flowers since it was my confirmation that got them back together.”

“They had sex at your confirmation!?” Kevin rushes out, intrigued.

“No, later that night on Jughead’s couch-”

“Ah man, I was just sitting on that the other day!” Sweet Pea interrupts. “Gross.”

“He’s lucky she ever let him under those pastel sweaters of hers at all if we're honest,” Cheryl says to the rest of the group standing there.

A murmur of agreement runs through as they quiet down to once again listen in.

 

_“I think it’s me, Jughead. Toni is dating Cheryl, who is the epitome of the Northside. You went to Southside for like, a couple weeks? A few days? A month? Do we even know?” Betty questions._

_“Don’t worry about it too much, Betty, we know time moves differently in Riverdale,” Jughead says._

_“The point, Jug, is that Toni has never liked me. Sweet Pea obviously doesn’t since he was pretty clear about it. Fangs, I don’t even know him but he’s no Betty Cooper fan,” Betty says with a sigh._

_"_ _Who_   _the fuck is naming the kids in this town?” Jughead whispers to himself._

 

“Well, Toni, is she right? Do you have a problem with Betty? It can’t possibly be that she’s from the Northside, right? Or that she’s a cheerleader. And it certainly can’t be because you only like Blossoms since, technically, she is one. So, that leads me to believe it has to do with our beanie wearing bundle of teenage angst,” Veronica tells Toni with a slightly terrifying smile that both horrifies Archie and thrills Kevin.

Toni stares back with a glare, not wanting to get into it. Especially in front of Cheryl. Or Kevin. Or Sweet Pea who is looking at her with a knowing smirk.

“I’d never judge another girl for feeling the way she feels but I would have an issue with a girl who undermines an established couple based on some sort of assumption like she actually knows what their relationship is like. Or someone that takes about five seconds to go after someone she calls a friend after learning about their heartbroken status. That doesn’t make you a bad person, Toni. You’re human and trust me, I know what that’s like, but I would say that makes your motivations suspect,” Veronica says, arms crossed now in defense of one Betty Cooper.

“That’s not-”

“You can’t possibly have liked that hobo, TT? He wears suspenders!” Cheryl exclaims, aghast. “Then again, you weren’t even mad for your friend when I called him to tell him about Cousin Betty and Archie kissing so at least you have your priorities straight. Which is me, of course.”

“I told him I preferred girls!” Toni says vehemently to both ladies.

“Yes. You did. After the fact. Which leads me to believe if you hadn’t liked him in the first place it would have never happened. So either you liked him and knew you were on the train headed for ** _Reboundville, Population: You_  **and took the saving your pride route or you were manipulating him for less altruistic reasons. If it were anyone other than those two I’d be proud of you for saving face so well to be honest,” Veronica says with a smirk. “But it’s my Bettykins and she and Jughead are soulmates and had she not been dealing with a little blackmail herself, you would have never even been in the running.”

“Come on now, we all know you hate any sort of competition, Toni,” Sweet Pea says, looking incredibly amused.

“Get off it, Sweet Pea, I was never competing with Doe Eyed Barbie over there,” Toni tells him with a roll of her eyes.

Archie laughs softly to himself and says, “Duh, of course not. Jughead’s got a pretty serious case of Betty Cooper tunnel vision. Also he might have been trying to prove something after being hurt by someone he loves and trusted not to do something like that to him. Which sort of sucks for you both, come to think about it.”

“That was shockingly insightful, Archie,” Kevin tells him with an impressed look. “Especially for you.”

“Hey, I have my moments,” Archie replies. “Sometimes.”

“Wait, didn’t she not even know when his birthday was yet she’s been friends with both of you since you were kids?” Veronica asks.

“It’s Riverdale,” Kevin says. “It’s like no one can keep their life stories copacetic for some reason.”

“Oh yes, didn’t you give Betty hell for her BDSM sexuality and not choosing between Archie and Jughead while she was exclusively dating Jughead? And telling you he told her he loved her? And probably telling you how far they got on FP’s kitchen counter. While running around the woods looking for some hot dude on dude action no less,” Veronica interjects.

“Sounds fake,” Kevin replies while not making eye contact with anyone.

“The counter? Jesus, I have eaten there you guys, why does no one tell me this shit!?” Sweet Pea huffs out looking more murderous than usual.

“It’s almost like you were given a different characterization and direction after the original was incredibly unpopular, Toni. Besides, Cheryl has nice tits, so congrats on that,” Veronica says as she turns to give Cheryl a smile.

“I do, don’t I?” Cheryl states, giving Toni a flirty wink.

“You know, it’s not like I attacked him,” Toni tells them.

“We know, but it does seem like girls are always the villains in these pieces aren’t they? Misogyny and all that being what it is,” Veronica says to her, looking over at Betty and Jughead who were still talking in hushed voices to one another. “Plus, if you’re honest about it, it does sort of seem like you were trying to prove something, doesn’t it? A little Southside justice, if you will.”

“The possibility of some of that is there,” Toni responds with a flip of her hair. “Their juxtaposition just threw me off and she was so damn polite and naive and trusting, it was almost painful to watch.”

“You know she’s caught the Black Hood, Jason Blossom’s murderer-  _sorry Cheryl_ \- and the Sugarman, right? Betty looks naive but she’s not. She’s always down for a felony or two when she sees the need,” Veronica tells her with a look that infers that underestimating Betty is where most people fail.

“Yeah, but Jughead lied to her right in front of me, how was I supposed to take that? He totally blew her off a couple times, too,” Toni says, exasperated.

“Jughead’s adorable in the way he wants to keep her safe. If he thought he could keep her on the pedestal her puts her on in a tower, I think he would. The problem has never been him trusting Betty, it’s always been keeping his desire to keep her untainted by the things he thinks might stain her under control,” Veronica responds flippantly like it should be common knowledge. “The thing I figured out before Jughead and Archie since I am unburdened by the image of her sweetly innocent in ribbons and pigtails is that Betty isn’t the damsel in this story, she’s the  _dragon_.”

 

_“You don’t think reaching out would work? It could at least help make a difference,” Jughead says to Betty, reaching up and caressing the curve of her neck._

 

“Has anyone else ever noticed he’s obsessed with her neck? That does not help put my Jughead is a vampire theory to bed,” Kevin says with a contemplative look.

A simultaneous  _‘Huh’_  comes from the rest of the group.

 

 _“_ _I_   _don’t know what would help, I can’t help who my mother is and I’m not interested in changing myself for people who hate me for being me. We’re talking about people who find fault with my ponytail, Juggie. It’s just hair!” Betty wails out quietly._

_“It’s iconic and beyond reproach, Betts,” Jughead responds with a smile._

 

“Yaaaasssss,” Kevin breathes out to himself in congratulations while Toni gives him a light slap to his shoulder.

 

_“Is it the sweaters? The embellished collars? My whole aesthetic? Am I supposed to wear plaid and black and combat boots and look like some sort of cosplay from The Outsiders at a Hot Topic sale?” Betty asks, getting frustrated._

_“Low blow, Betty!” Jughead replies, looking down at his own early 90’s peak grunge era clothing._

_"Though, I bet Cheryl would love to walk around having people calling her Cherry,” Betty says with a slight laugh at the notion._

 

“I would, I don’t know why people aren’t already,” Cheryl says with a shrug of her shoulders. 

“I can call you Cherry if you want, you know,” Toni tells her with a smile that promises more than it should on the campus of a high school.

 

_“I can’t be all things to all people, Jug. Sometimes I need to deal with my own bullshit before running to save someone else. Especially when that bullshit is a crazy ass brother who is definitely up to something and not who he says he is,” Betty tells him, looking at him with a serious expression. “Remind me to tell Kevin to stay away from Chic’s crazy, I know he’s fickle and all, but I still love him.”_

_“What? Kevin? Why?”_

_“Didn’t I tell you Kevin sold me out to Chic for catfishing him to get more information on him?” Betty replies, rolling her eyes._

_“What a dick.”_

 

“In my defense, you see Betty, correct? Think of her but  _male_. I rest my case,” Kevin states emphatically.

“I see that. But still, Kev, really?” Veronica asks. “If Betty says he’s on the crazy train, you should trust her, she’s often right about these things.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be, like, her best friend?” Toni inquires with a serious case of side eye towards him.

“Well, yeah, but there was milk involved.” Kevin defends. “Good milk.”

“What?”

“I said what I said.”

 

_“If they can’t trust me to be loyal to them, can’t they at least trust me to be loyal to you and the things you're fighting for, for them?” Betty wonders._

_“I think that maybe, possibly, there’s a chance that part of the problem is that they heard what Archie said when you sent him to break up with me,” Jughead replies, wincing with the memory._

 

“Oh shit,” Archie whispers, the fear plain on his face.

 

_“What are you talking about?”_

_“You know, that you wanted to do it for weeks, you all saw where I was going, stay away from you, etc.”_

_“Do you think I can beat a murder charge?” Betty asks after a long pause that made everyone around her nervous._

_"What does that mean?” Jughead wants to know._

_“It means that I hope V forgives me for killing her boyfriend and I may need bail money. I asked Archie to not be cruel, not to say whatever it is he apparently said,” she says to him with an angry look on her face._

 

“Well, Archiekins, it was nice knowing you. Thanks for the orgasms and all that, I’ll miss you,” Veronica tells him with a sympathetic face.

“Damn dude, you went off script?” Sweet Pea asks him with a flinch.

 

_“Wait, so what was he supposed to say?” Jughead asks, needing to know the answers for something he hasn’t wanted to relive. Ever._

_“He was supposed to tell you we needed space from each other for a little while. You know, only because the Black Hood was threatening to kill you and I like you alive, I never wanted space from you."_

 

“Oh god, oh god, oh god,” Archie whimpers repeatedly. “I was just pissed off and it came out!”

“Yeah, see, that’s not going to fly with Betty. I don’t want to be dramatic and tell you to watch your back, but, yeah watch your back. Betty has a tendency to get a bit protective over Jughead,” Veronica tells him.

“Hey, it’s not like Jughead is any better about Betty. Pretty sure she’s part of the reason he took a knife to Penny Peabody,” Toni tosses out like everyone already knows.

“He did what?!” Archie, Kevin, and Veronica screech out quietly.

“Uh, nevermind. I never said that. I wasn’t involved. I don’t even know anyone named Penny. You guys totally imagined that,” Toni replies looking anywhere but the three surprised people staring at her.

“All I heard is that you’d cut a bitch for me,” Cheryl says, running her hand down Toni’s arm affectionately.

 

_“So what are we going to do?” Betty asks._

_“Well, bribery is out since we have nothing to offer. Threats are probably a bad idea. An open and honest platform of sincerity and promises of hard work got us nowhere so I have no idea.”_

_“This is why people don’t vote!” Betty yells angrily._

_“That is...probably true.”_

 

“Aren’t they so cute in their righteousness?” Cheryl asks.

“They really are,” Veronica agrees. “It’s adorable, truly.”

“Makes you want to root for them, doesn’t it?” Toni adds.

“Especially when you see the big heart eyes they stare at each other with. Cute as fuck is what it is,” Kevin says.

“Really, guys? Why are we even standing here again?” Archie wants to know.

“We’re listening in, Archiekins. It’s how we get intel, Betty taught me that,” Veronica tells him.

“So, yeah, I’m out of here unless Barbie Big Eyes over there starts taking her clothes off again,” Sweet Pea says, starting to walk away.

“It’s Doe Eyed Barbie, Sweets, stick to the script, remember?” Toni tells his back as he walks away.

 

There’s a particular gleam in two sets of eyes as they watch their patchwork group of friends wander off in different directions.

“So, you think they bought it?” Betty asks Jughead with a smile.

“Of course, guilt and perception are powerful tools,” Jughead tells her taking her hand and leading her out of the room.

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, feels weird down here to be like, hey, I posted this already but here it is again, blah blah blah. 
> 
> But that's what happened? Look, man, this bitch is just trying to eat her Chipotle, fighting another headache. It's a thing now. Tradition, if you will. I didn't edit it, I should have. I might one day. 
> 
> Today? Is not that day. 
> 
> If you're inclined to tell me what you thought of it, I'll love you forever. If not, well, pffft, I guess I'll just have to kill off Betty or Jug in my next fic then. 
> 
> (I didn't mean that, I love you, I'm sorry.) 
> 
> But, BESOS TO YOU ALL AS ALWAYS! 
> 
> And, you can come [tumble](https://thetaoofbetty.tumblr.com/) with me if you want.


End file.
